bpeine, Author at Turner Security

Camping security systems

Posted on May 14, 2019June 18, 2019 by bpeine

We here at Turner Security are pleased to announce the creation of a new line of security technology: camping security systems! We have revolutionized the camping experience, bringing together years of research and field experience to create the tools necessary for a safe and secure camping experience.

First, we have to check out the BEAR ALARM. Basically, just a bunch of empty cans that are strewn about the campsite. As the bear comes in for the kill…CRUNCH, CRUNCH, CRUNCH! Alerted! It is now up to you to fight off the bear, but that’s probably the easy part anyway.

Next, the raccoon snatcher will SNATCH those raccoons before they are able to snatch your crap! As the name implies, we have a professional snatcher* who blends right in and can stop those beady-eyed bandits in their tracks. You can rest assured that when you wake up your piles of camp-trash will be right where you left them!

* “Professional” means whoever we can convince to wear this raccoon costume for minimum wage

Finally, we have the mosquito deterrent. While not *technically* a security threat, mosquitoes are just the worst. Have this bad boy at your side and when you start seeing/hearing/imagining mosquitoes swarming in to suck your precious blood let loose a hail of bullets and you’re sure to scare them away.

So there you have it! Hit us up on the contact page and we can talk about our affordable pricing packages!

Who can see my security video feed?

Posted on May 14, 2019May 28, 2019 by bpeine

A question we get asked a lot is “Who can see the video from the security cameras installed in my house?” An excellent question. Of course, we’re going to have to start by telling you that your information is kept save with keep-China-out level encryption and blah blah blah, but the truth is we see some pretty hilarious stuff that you guys are doing. The big TV in the break room here has a feed from hundreds of different security cameras installed in various people’s houses and we have seen some crazy stuff. Like the guy who did the entire Footloose dance wearing his underwear in his kitchen! Or the lady who literally covered her dog in nutella and then watched him lick it off! Seriously, good stuff. So don’t worry, we are constantly vigilant and making sure that nothing bad happens to your house. We’ll definitely call the cops if anything actually *bad* is going on, and, in the meantime, we’ll get to see all the weird stuff you do when you think no one is looking!

How to make friends

Posted on May 13, 2019May 28, 2019 by bpeine

Don’t have any friends? Sad! Well, if it makes you feel better, very few people do. Sure, most people you meet may have others that they go out to lunch with, share clothes with, and buy expensive property rentals with, but let’s be honest. Deep down, those people don’t even like each other. So, why do you want to make friends? Chances are, you should just continue living life the way you’ve been doing it all this time. Besides, it’s hard to get off the couch, so probably not worth it. Back to binge-watching…

A secure life

Posted on May 7, 2019May 28, 2019 by bpeine

What does it mean to be secure? I don’t mean in the “I’m secure in my womanhood” kind of secure, but more the “Ain’t nobody gonna break in here and take my stuff!” kind of secure. Money. That’s all it takes. You give us your money, we make you secure. Except, of course, in your womanhood. That’s on you. Own it!